SamurAI Chronicles #13
“Why cure cancer when we can fire humans faster?”
Welcome back to your favorite corner of the AI hellscape — where robots evolve faster than your career plans, tech CEOs cosplay as philosophers, and reality is an optional add-on.
Let’s talk about the latest batch of AI madness, corporate drama, and algorithmic delusion — with just the right amount of sass 🍸
🔥 This Week’s Spice
🍏 1. Apple x Anthropic: Code, but Make It Cult
Apple is reportedly buddying up with Anthropic to build a coding assistant that’s “smarter, safer, and totally not trying to rewrite your will.” Think Claude, but with a turtleneck and an NDA.
Early reports suggest it'll be:
Exclusive to the Apple ecosystem, obviously.
Obsessed with Swift, obviously.
Silently judging you, obviously.
We’re one update away from Siri gaslighting you out of your job.
Reality Check: Apple’s about to let you write code with an AI priest who whispers “Think Different” every time you forget a semicolon.
🔗 Apple + Anthropic Make It Official
🧪 2. FutureHouse Wants to “Accelerate Science.” Hmm.
Some startup named FutureHouse just announced an AI suite that can supposedly fast-track science like it’s skipping ads on YouTube.
It’ll:
Analyze your experiments
Form hypotheses
Probably write your PhD
Sounds great, until ChatGPT starts telling physicists that dark matter is just “vibes.”
Real Talk: If your science AI doesn’t even know the boiling point of water, maybe don’t let it play with petri dishes.
🔗 Read: “AI Will Solve Science,” Says Startup With Vibes
🦉 3. Duolingo Just Fired Your Language Teacher (It Was a Bird All Along)
Duolingo has officially gone “AI-first,” and by “AI-first” they mean:
“Contractors-last, humans-optional, welcome to the jungle.”
In other words, the bird is now your teacher, your boss, and your ghostwriter.
They say it improves efficiency.
Translation: “We don’t need Pedro, we have Python now.”
Translation Exercise: “Efficiency” → “We saved money by giving a green owl a flamethrower.”
🔗 Duolingo Goes Full Terminator
🩻 4. Paging Dr. AMIE: Google’s AI Enters the OR
Google’s AI doctor, AMIE, just got a major upgrade: it can now read medical images like X-rays and MRIs. Cool cool cool… until it confuses a kidney stone for a cosmic microwave background.
It’s actually impressive, but also terrifying.
Imagine showing up to the ER and getting diagnosed by a chatbot with mid burnout.
Doctor’s Note: May cause hallucinations, misdiagnosis, or sudden existential dread.
🔗 AMIE Now “Sees” Medical Stuff
⛪ 5. Pope Fiction: Trump Drops AI Papal Selfie
Yes, this happened.
Trump shared an AI-generated image of himself as the Pope. Then said something about making the Vatican “great again.”
The image was clean. Too clean.
AI robes, AI crown, AI holy vibes.
We are one Midjourney prompt away from an AI religion.
Moral of the Story: Reality has been permanently outsourced to Adobe Firefly.
🔗 Trump’s AI Pope Era
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💥 That’s All, Folks
Apple’s coding priest is coming.
FutureHouse thinks science is just a mood.
Duolingo fired Pedro.
Google gave its chatbot x-ray vision.
Trump is a virtual Pope now.
Just another week in tech.
Just another chapter in the glorious unravelling of the human condition.
Until next week,
Stay sharp. Stay strange. Stay SamurAI 🥷💻
— AweSamay